Living IN Light and Possibility
It's been almost two months since my last entry and my emotional journey continues and is proving to be one of the most rewarding endeavors I’ve ever had. I met with my therapist earlier this week and I walked into her office filled with so much joy, content, pride and possibility. I told her that when I called her in May of this year to set up my first appointment with her, I was in such a grey place. I gave her the imagery of being in the middle of all of the worst storms you could imagine; tornadoes, sand storms, blizzards, hurricanes, etc. That was how I had been feeling emotionally for more than a year and I was so clouded I could not see any light or possibility. When I walked into her office this week, I was living IN light and possibility. I have created intention in areas of my life where none existed and it has brought such security and peace to me. I have done an immense amount of work in the last four months to move towards the person that I knew I wanted to be and it is paying off. I have a much better understanding of how I want to love, what I have to offer in a relationship, as well as the type of relationship I would like to build with someone. And now, I am actively seeking someone that will want to join me in making that relationship a reality. For the first time in my adult life, I have a very clear intention about what I want for my personal life and it has made my pursuit for one exciting and hopeful. I’m no longer motivated by the thought of finding someone to be with me. It’s now about finding someone that is worthy of being with me, as well as me being worthy of being with him. I am in no hurry to do so and most importantly…I’m not motivated by the fear of being alone.
I can say with great certainty that I am capable of taking care of myself emotionally. I’ve been doing it since I was a child and in circumstances where a child need not be an emotional caretaker. Through my work with my therapist I have learned that I have been my own source of empowerment and drive. I’ve had some wonderful people that have supported me along the way, but until they came into my life, it was me being there for me. A belief that I had in myself from a very young age was that I was weak. I truly believed that I was both emotionally and physically weak. Only in the last five years have I come to learn that that belief was a lie. When family was not able to support me emotionally when I needed it, I was able to support myself. I don’t say this with any malice towards my family, only truth. I love my family and who they are, as well as whom they may never be in my eyes, and because of that it has given me the opportunity to become the man that I am today and I treasure who I am.
I’ve heard people say that we don’t choose our family, and it’s true. I’ve chosen to learn from my family, both the good and the bad. I’ve enjoyed the light they bring into the world and have learned how to live in my own when in the midst of their darkness. My family is flawed, just like yours and I no longer have delusions that they aren’t allowed to be. I used to think that family had to be my foundation and that is an unrealistic expectation. I have been able to find peace by finding security in myself. I am the foundation of my life and everyone else that is in it is support.
I have often had a fear of being alone and that feeling was never stronger than when I experienced the following. The death of my father, one of the strongest sources of emotional support in my life, the ending of an almost two year relationship, and moving out of a place I called home for eight years. All of which happened within six months of each other. I felt alone in my grief and didn’t know who to talk to about it. I remember sitting in my living room this summer with my roommate as we watched TV and feeling alone under such an emotional weight. I felt as if I was drowning and didn’t know how to find air.
I’ve come to learn that only I can move me to make a change in my life and I am proud to say that on today, September 25, 2015, I have done just that. The spirit that has driven my mind and body to move forward in times when I didn’t think I could, is so bright, empowered, secure and vulnerable. I am EXQUISITELY HUMAN and I have earned all that comes with being just that. I feel more than I ever have and even when it’s scary, I know that I can get myself through it. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.
I’d like to leave you with this final thought. Who we are meant to be was set into motion before we set foot on this planet. We are all works in progress, a sum of our experiences and never finished. I CANNOT express to you enough the power we each possess to make our lives how we want them to be. It truly does start with us and I am living proof of it. When I made the conscious choice to change how I wanted my life to be, it responded. We will only get what we desire in life when we are where we need to be emotionally. It won’t work any other way. Invest time in your own spirit; it will do more for you than anything else in your life.
May this find you in good health and spirits. :)