My emotional growth journey continues and what is occurring is a breakdown. I use that word very carefully and in it's least dramatic form. The breakdown that is occurring is that of my old ways of thinking, reacting and being. And with that breakdown will come a rebuilding of my emotional self that will be a truer representation of the person that has been waiting to come out. I am currently in the midst of the most uncomfortable emotional transformation that I have experienced in my adult life.
I was having dinner with two dear friends this week and in trying to share with them what was going on with me, I found myself at a loss for words to adequately explain what I was feeling. Looking at that evening now, I see it as yet another step on this path of vulnerability that I have embarked upon. Because of their love for me, I was able to express what I was able to and at times they helped to fill in some of the spaces that were there for me. These particular friends were a source of support for me in the darkest of times, which was when my father died and in my heart I know that they would do so much for me. And even with that knowledge, I still had so much reservation about sharing with them the rawness of what I had been feeling. And as I allowed my uncertainty, fear, shame and sadness to flood out of me, they did exactly what a Soul Friend would do. They supported me. They let me be where I was in those moments, they listened and they asked questions.
I know that the fear that I have about reaching out to others is not mine alone, I just know how it feels to me and it’s a fear greater than any other I can imagine for myself. The fear is that once I show someone that emotionally naked part of me they will reject it. That rejection has many faces too. It could be dismissive, lacking understanding as well as the willingness to understand, or be that of ridicule. As my emotions spilled out of me, I made a statement about wanting to have one person in my life that I can go to when I want/need emotional support without having to call on it. I want a lover/husband/life partner who will be willing to accept and love the part of me that needs to be emotionally supported by another. To that, my friend said this: “Until you have that, that’s what you have us for.” I can’t even explain how much it meant for me to hear her say that. And it proves what I believe to be true about the power that words can hold.
Please do not underestimate the power of your words to anyone. Telling someone that you love that you are willing to be there for them in their time of need could mean the world to them, I know that it has to me. And if you find yourself in my position and in need of someone to reach out to, look at those people in your life that you would do anything for. I feel that our truest Soul Friends are a natural extension of ourselves and the person or persons that we would drop what we’re doing to support at a moments notice would also do the same for us.
I know that the journey I have begun will be a challenging one for me and at times I will feel overwhelmed. What I also know is that I’m ready for it; otherwise I wouldn’t be on the journey. I would still be numb, disconnected and living behind a finely crafted mask worn on a shell of the me that I know exists.
May this find you in good health and spirits. :)