It’s June 29, 2015 and I begin this entry with tears in my eyes. They are tears of gratitude. Gratitude for a nest of friends that I can call on if I need someone to talk to. They are friends that I’ve had for as little as 6yrs and as long as 29yrs. For a few days I’ve been experiencing what I’m describing as a “vulnerability flood” about a blossoming relationship that has presented itself. In the past, when I have felt this flooding occurring, I would act out. To feel emotional vulnerability puts me in a state of fear, insecurity and panic. I also feel helpless and lacking in value. For so long I have used sex as a default tool to cope with that flood of vulnerability and in doing so it has hurt others and me. It’s a pattern of behavior I continue to work on and it also seems more difficult each time I do so. The logical part of me understands how wonderful it can be to have a relationship that has a strong emotional foundation, but that doesn’t mean the emotional side of me is also in that place. I know that I’m in a better place than I used to be in because I’m not acting on my emotional impulses, I’m taking some time to understand what I’m feeling and reach out to people that I trust to talk it out with them.
I’ve been on more than a few dates with this man and I am very excited with the direction things are going. What is so different about how I am approaching this possible relationship and the majority of relationships that I’ve been in are that I’ve not had sex with him yet. Since my first male-to-male relationship, at the age of 18, I can recall very few relationships that did not have sex as the catalyst. I don’t have a learned behavior of developing an emotional connection with someone and in this moment I feel stunted and inadequate.
In an effort to create a stronger foundation for a romantic relationship, it will require things to move more slowly than I’m used to them moving. I’m learning that I have quite the insecurity about if the emotional part of me is enough to establish a relationship with someone. The catch 22 of it all is that I have a pretty good understanding that establishing a relationship with sex has not always garnered the kind of connection I would want in one. And as I wrote that last sentence, I realized something. With each relationship that I’ve had, I have learned more about myself, as well as the type of person I want to be with.
May this find you in good health and spirits. :)