Let’s Talk About Sex

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Let’s talk about sex. I won’t be doing so in detail, but there are some things I’d like to share. As I get older I continue to learn more about myself sexually. I’m learning about what my prejudices are and even going so far as to discover where they stem from. I’m learning about those different things that are of intrigue to me now that weren’t 10yrs ago. I’m learning how to be empowered within myself sexually. So often sex is spoken of from a place of shame and embarrassment. Or it is spoken of from a place of judgment without a deeper understanding.

The first time I ever asked my father about sex was while we were watching TV together and he quickly deflected the question and that was that. Even in his silence the message was clear; don’t ask or talk about sex. What I didn’t know, was that he was probably uncomfortable, and I get that. Even at a young age I had some knowledge of what sex was, even at the lowest level. After all, my father owned over a dozen Playboy magazines that lived in magazine racks throughout the house. I only had to go as far as the end of the hall to find one. And then there was TV and movies. Growing up in a house with cable meant I could watch Cinemax, or “Skinemax” as so many of us will recall. I’d seen it, in so many forms and also had no idea what it was beyond an act to be executed.

I am continuing to learn that consensual sex is only as taboo as the mind viewing it. What willing parties agree to do with and to one another can be as adventurous as they want it to be. It is so interesting to me that in a world as big as ours, with enumerable differences, we can all look at someone else and pass judgment on their sexual choices. I have and still do from time to time. I have also worked to be aware of when that judgment is creeping into play. It can be because I don’t find a particular sex act appealing to me, or more often I have no knowledge about it and judge it as a knee-jerk response.

In the past year I have been learning about a pharmaceutical drug by the name of PrEP or Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. A very simple description of this drug is that it is designed to reduce the transmission of HIV/AIDS and is taken orally. And if you would like to know more, I encourage you to find more information or contact me and I’ll happily help you find some. When I first learned of it I had a number of thoughts. How does it work, who can use it, how much does it cost, what are the risks? I had my own reservations about it based on very surface information or conversations I had heard. Things to the tune of that with it’s use it would encourage unprotected sex between men, and that has come from a community of men who only have sex with men. The reality is that unprotected sex between anyone is going to happen, be it intentionally or accidentally. Sex is no longer solely for the development of this planet or even of families. There are people, myself included, who simply enjoy having sex for the sake of having sex. I don’t want children right now and I’m not concerned that there aren’t enough people in the world and I simply like sex. I am continuing to learn that my own hang-ups about sex were rooted in a past that I no longer live in. Being a survivor of sexual abuse colored my view on sex for a very long time. Now think of the thousands of men discovering their sexual selves during the AIDS crisis and how their views of sex were shaped. I have heard men say that at that time, and for some time after, they saw sex as a death sentence.

In my adult sexual journey, I am learning that for me sexual freedom is not about irresponsible sex with just anyone. Sexual freedom is about asking questions, having conversations, not being afraid that what I like is “sick”, “disgusting”, or any other shame based descriptor. It’s about me and the person I am with being in agreement about what we want and then going from there. By allowing myself to step out of the shadows of fear and judgment, I have been able to experience literal pleasures that at one time in my life I never saw as being possible.

We only get what we ask for in life and the same goes for sex. Share your desires with your sexual partner(s) and ask them what theirs might be. You may not agree on everything and that’s ok, just imagine what you could discover?! If you’re both willing and able, DO IT! Live your own sexual life, not the one you were told to live by someone else.

May this find you in good health and spirits. J

Antuan RaimoneComment