My Spirit in Spring
It has been at least 2 months since my last entry and so much has happened and I am also in such a different place in so many areas of my life. Since my last entry I have moved into a new apartment, started a new job and am the most emotionally healthy I have been all year. In February I experienced the first and largest loss of my life with the unexpected death of my father. For the next six months my spirit was shadowed in such a way that there were days that I only got out of bed to eat and use the bathroom. At the end of July this year I also ended an almost two year relationship after accepting that alcohol was a more important factor than I was in my then boyfriends life. And less than a week later I moved out of an apartment I had been in for 8yrs. I was only working part time and had spent what savings I had and was not in a place financially to move, but also could not afford to stay where I was.
I was going to be moving into a new apartment at the end of September and needed somewhere to stay for two months until then. This is where faith, life, God, luck or whatever words you connect with stepped in. The first blessing came in the form of a good friend needing someone to stay in his apartment while he was out of the country for two months and knowing that I was in need of a place, he asked me. We agreed on a rate, which was well under what he pays for the apartment and with that, I moved in the first week of August. The apartment is a one bedroom and at the age of 34, it was the first time I had ever lived alone. I know myself well enough to know that living alone in a long-term situation is not something I want for myself. However, for two months, it was the best possible situation. I have been a firm believer for a very long time that my life will work itself out how it needs to and if I allow for that to happen, I’ll be all the better for it. I may not fully understand what I’m meant to learn going into a particular situation or circumstance, but I will trust myself enough to know that the lesson will be revealed to me in time.
For the next two months I only had to be emotionally responsible to myself at any given moment of the day and I have only had that freedom at one other time in my life and that was 10yrs ago when I worked on cruise ships and was isolated from everyone that I knew by expansive oceans and foreign ports of call. Those two months alone in that apartment allowed for so much healing. Healing for the death of my father, the ending of my romantic relationship and leaving what had been my home for 8yrs.
For one month of those two months in that apartment I had no income and no job and yet, I was content, if not even happy. At one point I had met some friends for brunch and one of them asked how I was doing. I said to him that if I were to look at my life and base it off of how society thinks our life “should” look, I’d be curled up in a ball crying all day. Thankfully, I do not look at my life through the same lense that most of society looks through. I am so thankful for the perspective that dictates how I see my life in this world. It allows me to appreciate what I have, not what I lack, what I’m learning, not the mistakes I’m making.
Today, I am literally sitting on an Amtrak train, looking out the window at beautiful fall foliage being bathed in sunlight and it really does represent how I feel. I am currently working as a performer in the Radio City Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music. This is my fifth year working for the company and my first year doing the show in NY. The other four years I was either in Tennessee, Chicago or St. Louis doing the show. I have been away from the company for five years and coming back, I am having more fun than I did the first year I did the show in 2006. I am living in an apartment that feels more like a home than any place I’ve lived in as an adult and it makes me happy to be in the space every day. I’m also happy to be single and enjoying it, which is not always how I feel about being single. In the past, I would be ok with being single but want to be with someone and look for that. I’m not avoiding that, just realizing it is not a necessity and also that in my going on dates I can simply enjoy them. Each date won’t become a relationship and I don’t have to tell myself that they have to.
Moving into that one-bedroom apartment was the bud of what has become an ever-blossoming flower of joy, appreciation and possibility in my life. The weather outside is getting colder, snow will fall and the wind chill will seem unforgiving, yet, with all of that happening, my spirit is in a Spring unlike any other I’ve ever known. In the course of nine months, I have felt as low as I’ve ever felt as an adult and also as blessed as I’ve felt as an adult and I have had many contenders in both areas over the years. I know that I have said it before, and if I’ve said it, I know I’ve written it, and I’ll put it into the world again. How our life looks is how we see it. I repeat, how our life looks is how we see it. The choice and power is OURS, not someone else’s. Yes, I may not get that job, or create a relationship with that guy and my life will go on. I have friends that talk about missed opportunities as if tomorrow is the day that they will die and today was their LAST CHANCE!! The things we want may not be what we need and the things that we get do not always add to our lives in the way we may have hoped they would. This way of thinking is not magical, it’s a habit and that habit is one I’ve been living for a long time. It’s obtainable for all of us, we just have to get out of our own way and also not let others dictate our happiness.
I invite you to not just read what I’ve written, but use it as an exercise in your own life. And if you know me personally, call or email me and ask questions about something I’ve written. Don’t be afraid to reach out because the best benefit of doing so is gaining an understanding. We know what we know until we know more and if what I know is different than what you know and you’d like to know it, ask me. Me sharing what I know does not pose a threat to me so I will never be fearful about sharing myself. It’s why I started this blog.
May this find you in good health and spirits.