Desperation vs. Motivation
I was having lunch with a friend recently and we were talking about relationships. He has recently met someone and they have been talking via phone and email so far. He has admitted, at times, to looking at his prospects for a relationship through the lens of a clock running out of time. He made the point that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow or even the next hour of our lives and I agree with him. He shared with me that while seeing his therapist, the therapist made a comment along the lines of how instead of looking at his love live with desperation in finding someone, to try looking at it with the motivation to find someone. These were not the exact words said, but it’s my best recollection. I then shared with him that I often find myself balancing thoughts of desperation and motivation within my current relationship. Some days I’m desperate for the time to spend with my boyfriend because I’m afraid that our relationship will end sooner than I want it to. Other days I am motivated by wanting to enjoy the time that we have together, whatever the amount might be.
I’ll offer a little history to better fill out my previous statement. Several months into my current relationship my boyfriend shared with me that he was thinking about moving back to his hometown for personal reasons. The reason for him wanting to move back home was not one I anticipated, but him moving back home was something I had been anticipating. He and I moved to NY for different reasons and at different times in our lives and the amount of time we both are wanting to spend in NY is also different. We’ve been together over a year now, he is still in NY after choosing to stay and I am still concerned that when he decides to move out of NY we will be together.
I don’t feel that there will be one answer that will bring ease to how I feel about it because with any answer could come another question. There is nothing that I can do to guarantee the length of any relationship I’m in, I can only make choices that will work for both that relationship and me. Making choices independent of whatever fear I have is not easy, it’s really fucking hard at times to be blunt.
To close I will pose these questions to the reader, as well as myself.
- What in your life has you living out of desperation that it will be absent from your life?
- What in your life has you living with the motivation that it will enrich your life?