Strong Feelings of Doubt


I have spent the past several months living in a strange metaphorical haze. Some days the sun breaks through and most days feel like I’m swimming in quick sand. I’ve been having a frequent and disempowering conversation with myself about money, my personal and my professional life. I’ve hesitated to share much of it with anyone because I’m afraid to. Thankfully, I know myself well enough to know that I can only keep something in for so long before I get tired of the weight it carries and I have to share it somehow.

I have been in a mindset that is not one I am used to being in and the best way I know to move through it is to share it. I’ve been telling myself that what I have is not enough. I don’t have enough money, I’m not receiving love in the way that I think I should and I’m not getting the respect that I feel I should at work. The thing about thinking this way is that I’m missing out on so much that is actually there. I have enough money to pay my rent, my phone bill, buy groceries and a metro card when I need to. I am with a man that expresses his love for me in ways that no one else I’ve ever dated has and just because it may not look the way I’m used to it looking, doesn’t make it any less valuable. I also have a job…period. I’ve always felt that I was the type of person that possessed a certain amount of perspective in life. What I’m finding is that that is being tested each and every day. When life is going the way you want it to go, perspective can be an afterthought. When life doesn’t go the way you want, that’s when your beliefs are tested.

There will be days that I’ll feel knocked down, be it mentally, emotionally or physically and I may need to stay down for a bit, catch my breath and then keep moving. And there will be other days when I need to keep walking forward, whether I feel knocked down or not. Lately I haven’t been putting up much of a fight. I’ve been resting in self-pity and shame and I’m truly not comfortable being there.  Who I am is greater than what I think I do or don’t have and that is something I intend to remind myself of more often. How I choose to respond to my circumstances will build upon the foundation of my character. Life is full of change and that change will come in the form of disappointment, success, joy, pain, and so many others. I’ll never be able to control how life comes at me, but I have control over how I go through life. I haven’t read dozens of self-help books, and I haven’t gone through hundreds of hours of therapy to come to this realization, it was something that I believe was always a part of me and through different life experiences I’ve been able to tap into it and embrace it.

I believe that we all possess that ability and that we all have a different level of awareness about it as well. I feel that the only way for you to embrace that part of yourself it to make the choice to do so. Choice is such a great power for us to possess and more times than not we pretend that we don’t have a choice when we really do. I can choose to be late to where I’m going, I can choose to be happy, I can choose to keep writing examples or I can choose to stop. It’s up to me. I have been forgetting that for several months now; that it’s up to me. How I see my life is up to me, how I live my life is up to me. Just like how you see your life is up to you and how you live your life is up to you. The rest of the world will always intrude on your life because the rest of the world exists, that won’t change. How you and I continue to live our lives in the face of that is completely UP TO US and no one else.

Antuan RaimoneComment