Discovering Dr. Brene Brown on Super Soul Sunday
It’s April 2, 2013 and I haven’t written in months. I could write that I’ve been busy working and that I’m in a relationship and though both are true, they would be masks to why I haven’t really written in months. I haven’t written because I’ve been wading in my own self-pity, shame, embarrassment and frustration. I last wrote about my financial woes and for the last few months I have been able to pay the bills that I chose to pay, mind you I wasn’t paying all of them that needed to be paid. I made sure I had a place to live, food to eat and some other minor luxuries like my Netlix and Hulu subscriptions. For what I think has been the past nine months I have felt disempowered by my financial circumstances. The thing is this, I only have as much money coming in based on the work I am or am not doing. If my only means of income is unemployment, that only offers so much. And the only thing stopping me from making more money is myself. My own conversation that I want whatever job I have to be something I’m passionate about, or at the very least excited about. There is no guarantee that every job I have will leave me excited, I have to bring that to the table myself, it won’t be waiting for me.
Last night I went over to a friend’s and we spent some quality time watching TV. Among what we watched were a couple of shows on the OWN. If you don’t know that stands for, it’s the Oprah Winfrey Network. Every Sunday she has a show called "Super Soul Sunday" and she covers a different topic of interest. One of them featured PhD Brene Brown and one of her books “Daring Greatly.” She spoke on the subject of shame and vulnerability, both of which I have been feeling strong amounts of over the last several months. Last Tuesday, March 26 2013, I spent the entire day with my own shame and self-pity. I lay in my bed, watching either Hulu or Netflix and avoiding the living world. Outside of my window, the sun shone brightly and the only world I wanted to be apart of was any other than my own. My only reasons for getting out of bed were for food, water, or to use the bathroom. My own life ceased to be a source of joy or me and I haven’t felt that way about my life in over 20yrs.
I am realizing that I am becoming a prisoner of my own fear that I won’t have “enough” money and the thought of literally leaving my apartment has my mind thinking, “how much money might you spend if you leave your apartment?” I’m not thinking about what I can offer the world, or even what it has to offer me. I’m here to tell you that having this kind of thought process is DRAINING!! It’s draining on me and I’m sure it’s draining to people in my life to some degree. I can’t say that I’m completely out of that prison I’ve put myself in, but I can say that I am aware that it isn’t anywhere that I want to stay.
I have found myself feeling quite a bit of shame about my financial situation. Shame that I haven’t been doing additional/part-time work to make more money so that I’m not in the situation I’m in. I’ve felt shame about being perceived as “just another actor living in NY and waiting tables or working in retail.” Here is the thing though, if someone else perceives me as that, it is THEIR perception, not my own. I have the choice of seeing myself in any way I want. And I’m doing just that, I will be working with the Actors Work Program to strengthen my “real life” resume writing skills, improve my computer knowledge in regards to Word and other useful applications so that I can take all of me that is creative, exuberant, genuine, sincere and wonderful into other areas that will provide me the means to make money so that I’m not working for my money, but my money is working for me. I don’t expect it to be easy or simple, but I will expect to learn more about myself.